I'm not going to die because of an accident. Nor because of an illness. But from small talk. Someone will say one boring sentence too many and I'll drop dead.

I’m not going to die because of an accident. Nor because of an illness. But from small talk. Someone will say one boring sentence too many and I’ll drop dead.

Commentary:
"Watch out for those lethal small talk conversations! 💬😵 Stay safe out there, folks – one boring sentence could be your downfall 💀😂"

Accidentally punched myself in the face as I was getting dressed this morning, and I have to say, I deserved it.

Accidentally punched myself in the face as I was getting dressed this morning, and I have to say, I deserved it.

Commentary:
"Looks like we've got a real knockout contender in the ring this morning! 👊😂 Who knew that getting dressed could be such a dangerous sport? Remember folks, always keep your guard up when putting on those socks! 🧦💥 #FashionFails"

Of course, because I’m wearing a white shirt, my coffee chose violence.

Of course, because I’m wearing a white shirt, my coffee chose violence.

Commentary:
Oh, the eternal struggle of light-colored attire against the dark forces of coffee spills! ☕️👔 It seems like your morning brew has a mischievous streak today. Perhaps it's just trying to show its dark side in contrast to your pristine white shirt! Remember, coffee stains are just battle scars in the grand saga of morning rituals.💪😆

Just peed so much that a little laugh came out.

Just peed so much that a little laugh came out.

Commentary:
Looks like a case of laugh-trickling! 😂💦 When your bladder has its own sense of humor! 👀 #LaughingLeakages

My husband was unable to find his coat earlier as he’d accidentally hung it up.

My husband was unable to find his coat earlier as he’d accidentally hung it up.

Commentary:
Looks like he unintentionally played the ultimate hide-and-seek game with his own coat! 🧥🤦‍♂️ Maybe his coat is just too good at blending in with the rest of the closet. Time for some coat training sessions! 🤣 #CoatMystery

Hi. I didn’t mean to “like” your tweet. I was scraping dried jelly off my phone.

Hi. I didn’t mean to “like” your tweet. I was scraping dried jelly off my phone.

Commentary:
Whoops, looks like someone got caught in a sticky situation! 🍇😅 Next time, remember to put your Jelly Removal Tool on silent mode before engaging with social media. Just a sticky reminder to stay vigilant against tech mishaps! 💬📱 #JellyDrama

You had me at "We'll make it look like an accident."

You had me at “We’ll make it look like an accident.”

Commentary:
"Ah, nothing says 'romance' quite like plotting together for a staged mishap! 💔😂 Who knew mischief could be so enticing? #LoveAtFirstConspiracy"

I dropped and broke my phone today. Hurt more than childbirth!

I dropped and broke my phone today. Hurt more than childbirth!

Commentary:
Oh no, sounds like a "cracking" experience! 📱💔😂 Who knew a phone drop could rival childbirth in pain level? Maybe it's time to invest in a sturdy case or some bubble wrap for that device! 😉