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10,000+ funny quotes

Activity Log ✨

Someone from 🇦🇸 has viewed:

When people tell me “you’re going to regret that in the morning”, I sleep until noon because I am a problem solver.

Someone from 🇫🇮 has downloaded:

I’m so single, I have no one to drunk text.

Someone from 🇸🇦 has downloaded:

Bruce Lee had a faster older brother named Sudden Lee.

Someone from 🇱🇰 has shared:

Have you ever met the human version of a headache?

Someone from 🇪🇸 has copied:

Don’t give up on your dreams. If cauliflower can be pizza and zucchini can be noodles, you too can be anything you want.

Someone from 🇫🇲 has downloaded:

Y’all liking my posts feels like a little forehead kiss.

Someone from 🇸🇬 has bookmarked:

Terrible economy to ask a girl what’s wrong.

Someone from 🇦🇴 has viewed:

We don’t get a song of the summer this year because we were bad.

Someone from 🇨🇩 has shared:

Hey! (with the intention of going back to sleep)

Someone from 🇨🇩 has copied:

I don’t understand people who don’t have kids. Imagine having absolutely nobody to blame when you’re late.

Funny Quotes Data 🤓

New Funny Quotes

calculating…

Funny Quotes Total

15,753

Funny Quotes Topics

17,766

Funny Quotes Images

15,753

Updated

Feb 3, 2026

Users Online

3,423

Social Media Log 💫

Going viral on Snapchat:

As a child, I had the impression that I would be offered free drugs by strangers much more frequently than the 0 times it’s happened.

Shared recently on Instagram:

I always cook with wine. Sometimes I even add it to the food.

Live now on Threads:

Another day of waking up cute instead of wealthy, so I guess I have to go to work.

Going viral on TikTok:

Every day is leg day when you’re running from your problems.

Spreading quickly via Pinterest:

In case you wanna quit vaping, I’d suggest using a harmonica.

Making waves on Reddit:

Letting the sun have its way with my freckles today.

Just landed via Instagram:

Showering at night is so sexy and clean and self-care vibes. Showering in the morning is so productivity core, cog in the machine core.

Shared recently on YouTube:

I will not hesitate to use dark magic on you.

Just landed via Facebook:

“Those tattoos will make it harder to get a job!” Okay, well so will my personality.

Going viral on TikTok:

Quit keeping your enemies closer. No wonder you feel like shit.

Funny assassination quotes

Funny assassination quotes bring a cheeky twist to a serious subject, blending dark humor with clever wit 🕵️‍♂️💥. Perfect for those who love a bit of irony and sharp sarcasm, these quotes turn the deadly into downright hilarious 😈😂. Whether you’re a fan of mystery, history, or just enjoy a good laugh with an edge, get ready to smile at the unexpected side of danger! 🎯🎭

New funny assassination quotes 👇

All funny assassination quotes & images can be used for free for non-commercial purposes 👌

Funny Quotes Collections
✨ New Funny Quotes

Social Media Stars ⭐

44 shares on Facebook this month:

In all the movies, Santa never goes to the house directly next door. He always gets in his sleigh and flies off like 20 miles east.

45 shares on Discord this month:

Having sex with the same person gets freakier and nastier each time.

47 shares on Threads this month:

My first thought upon waking up in the morning is “not again”.

27 shares on X this month:

I don’t need alcohol to make bad decisions.

66 shares on Pinterest this month:

The porn bots liking my posts from years ago is just reminding me that I’ve always been hilarious.

10 shares on Discord this month:

Too many losers and not enough people telling them they’re losers.

26 shares on Reddit this month:

The only thing that could heal me is a memory loss.

44 shares on Instagram this month:

On the next episode of Hoarders, they visit my subconscious.

71 shares on Instagram this month:

My ducks may not be in a row, but at least they’re having fun. Your ducks probably hate you for making them line up like that.

89 shares on Messenger this month:

Dear brain, please stop thinking so much exactly when it’s time to fall asleep.

Trending Topics 📁

activity communication day food frustration fun humor i irony joke just know life love me media people procrastination relationship sarcasm social social media someone technology time want work

Hot Jokes 💥

15 folks are currently checking 👀

Authentic isn’t automatically good. You could be an authentic douchebag.

12 folks are currently checking 👀

I used to look for monsters under the bed. Today I know they are behind some people’s fake smiles.

9 folks are currently checking 👀

For my birthday, I want everyone to delete whatever old version of me they have in their head— it expired.

10 folks are currently checking 👀

I think it’s time we acknowledged how incredibly stupid most super wealthy people are.

15 folks are currently checking 👀

Scooby-Doo led me to believe that if I were ever really scared, I should run super-fast in place.

19 folks are currently checking 👀

It’s so unrealistic for me to delete WhatsApp, but man, I’d love to do it.

7 folks are currently checking 👀

Have to connect the printer to my new laptop, and my goal is to cry no more than three times.

23 folks are currently checking 👀

I remember when “disinformation” used to be called “lies.”

12 folks are currently checking 👀

If you want to impress me with your car, it better be a food truck.

6 folks are currently checking 👀

Girls love a gay best friend until he turns 35 and asks to borrow your womb.

Funny Quotes Data 🤓

New Funny Quotes

calculating…

Funny Quotes Total

15,753

Funny Quotes Topics

17,766

Funny Quotes Images

15,753

Updated

Feb 3, 2026

Users Online

3,723

Activity Log ✨

Someone from 🇮🇱 has bookmarked:

I would really like to meet this “other candidate” who keeps taking all the jobs I’ve been applying to.

Someone from 🇬🇧 has downloaded:

I don’t always leave the house, but when I do, I shouldn’t.

Someone from 🇲🇷 has copied:

I miss when my biggest problem was whether my Happy Meal toy matched the one from the commercial.

Someone from 🇭🇷 has copied:

People who pee in the shower, have you thought about peeing before you get in the shower?

Someone from 🇧🇸 has copied:

Rapunzel, let down your CVS receipt!

Someone from 🇮🇸 has copied:

I wish anxiety came with french fries.

Someone from 🇬🇹 has shared:

Caught my husband staring at me again. He’s probably weighing his pros and cons.

Someone from 🇳🇪 has shared:

For a guy supposedly called my “brother,” I’ve never seen him make broth even once.

Someone from 🇫🇮 has shared:

Wouldn’t it be nice if you could donate your own body fat to those who need it more urgently?

Someone from 🇳🇵 has shared:

I hate small cars that disguise themselves as free parking spaces and drop their masks as soon as you pull up in front of them.

Social Media Log 💫

Shared recently on Twitch:

Today I broke my personal record for most consecutive days lived.

Seen just now on Threads:

I’m not sure how long my body can handle this “getting out of bed early in the morning” nonsense.

Shared recently on YouTube:

The human body requires so much maintenance. Who designed this thing?

Going bananas on Reddit:

This coffee isn’t working. Think I need holy water.

Spreading quickly via Slack:

I hope I don’t die of something stupid like old age, I want a piano to fall on my head.

Freshly posted on Slack:

Most of my job is making things idiot proof, but they keep making better idiots.

Shared recently on Snapchat:

Self-care is putting your face on a very soft cat.

Just landed via Threads:

Just because I’m friendly doesn’t mean I like you. It just means that I’m not rude.

Trending via Reddit:

This year should be named “things I never thought could happen”.

Freshly posted on WeChat:

Dr. Pepper just unseated Pepsi as the second most popular soda in America. Don’t tell me that getting your PhD isn’t worth it.

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