Funny quotes comedy

170 Funny comedy quotes

Thoughts more intrusive than a 90s sitcom neighbor.

2 weeks ago

I have some fart jokes I’ve been holding in.

2 weeks ago

And are the people who find you “hilarious” in the room with us now?

2 weeks ago

I forgot my password, failed the captcha and have been accused of being a robot. I don’t even know how to fight these allegations.

2 weeks ago

At this point, Tom Cruise is a stuntman who does his own acting.

2 weeks ago

I don’t mind being the villain in your story because you’re a clown in mine.

2 weeks ago

If they can bring back the dire wolf, they can bring back Norm Macdonald.

2 weeks ago

Every time I watch “The Godfather”, I notice some new detail (they’re Italian???).

3 weeks ago

I deserve an Oscar for telling my dentist I don’t eat candy.

3 weeks ago

Bruce Lee had a faster older brother named Sudden Lee.

3 weeks ago

Imagine Pinocchio roasting you for 5 mins straight and his nose didn’t move an inch.

1 month ago

Lately I have the attention span of wait what?

1 month ago

I am so tired ever my tiredness is tired.

1 month ago

My train of thought derailed. There were no survivors.

1 month ago

Have you ever wanted to grab somebody by the shoulders, give them a good shake and whisper “Nobody cares!”

1 month ago

I was just viciously body shamed by my mirror.

1 month ago

Fries, not lies.

1 month ago

In filling out an application, where it says, “In case of emergency notify”, I put “Doctor.”

1 month ago

People found guilty of not using punctuation deserve the longest sentence possible.

1 month ago

I try not to laugh at my own jokes, but we all know I’m hilarious.

1 month ago