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The most important thing I learned in life, and I can’t stress enough, it doesn’t matter where you went to college. The only thing that matters is that you’re really hot.
Every time I see a dog with its head out a window, I know it’s having a better day than I am.
I don’t understand, but I also don’t care… so it works out.
Home is where the clothes rack stands in the way.
Unloading the dishwasher in the opposite direction just to feel something.

More funny life quotes 👇

5 months ago
Share →: Elevator rides in real life: 30 seconds long. Elevator rides in movies: Two minutes long.

Commentary:
"Who knew elevator rides could be such an epic saga in the movies? 🎥😄 You're just waiting to get to the next floor, not fighting off aliens and having heartfelt confessions! 🤣👽 #MovieMagic"
5 months ago
Share →: If you wanna make someone cry, just show them the earliest year they can retire.

Commentary:
"When you show someone the year they can retire, it's like forcing them to gaze into the abyss of adulthood and mortality 😱💸💼 Retirement age: the scariest bedtime story ever told!"
5 months ago
Share →: I’ve realized about a third of my life is spent trying to ignore the fact that I have to pee.

Commentary:
"Ah, the eternal struggle of trying to focus on anything else while your bladder has other plans… 🚽💦 Talk about a constant battle between mind over bladder matter! 😂 #PeeTales"
5 months ago
Share →: Welcome to your 40s: here’s ten pounds.

Commentary:
"Ah, the warm welcome of your 40s: accepting you with open arms… and ten extra pounds! 🎉🍰🍕 Don't worry, those pounds are just a souvenir from your delicious adventures in your 30s! #NewDecadeNewBodyGoals 😅💪"
5 months ago
Share →: This chapter of my life is called ‘at least the rent is paid’

Commentary:
"When life hands you bills, just rename them as achievements. 💸💪 #AdultingAtItsFinest"
5 months ago
Share →: Am I finishing my education or is my education finishing me?

Commentary:
"Ah, the eternal struggle between student and syllabus! 🎓💥 Just remember, education is like a rollercoaster ride – it may leave you feeling a little dizzy, but the journey is always worth it! 🎢😄 #LifeOfAStudent"
5 months ago
Share →: 50% of parenting is just trying to decide if that noise is worth walking up all of those stairs.

Commentary:
"Parenting is like a never-ending game of 'Stairmaster: Toddler Edition' 🚼🚶‍♂️ Is that noise a sign of imminent disaster or just another false alarm? 😅🔊 #ParentingDilemmas"
5 months ago
Share →: Now that I’m in my mid-forties, I think I’ll take up parkour.

Commentary:
"Ah, the classic mid-life crisis decision! Who needs a fancy sports car when you can gracefully vault over walls and leap across rooftops, right? 🏃‍♂️💨 Just remember to stretch those creaky joints before attempting any daring stunts! 😅 #MidlifeParkourGoals"
5 months ago
Share →: I used to party all night. Now I check the weather forecast for the next day to see if it’s a good laundry day.

Commentary:
"From party animal to laundry aficionado 🌧️🧺 Who knew adulthood would hit harder than a hangover? 💃🏻 #LaundryOverLateNights"
5 months ago
Share →: I Knew Better, But I Did It Anyway: A Memoir

Commentary:
📖 "I Knew Better, But I Did It Anyway: A Memoir" sounds like the chronicles of every Monday morning decision ever made! We've all been there – hindsight is 20/20, but sometimes foresight is just a little blurry! Can't wait to read about the adventurous escapades and questionable choices that led to this captivating title! 😂✨