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So apparently it’s still a DUI even if you’re the birthday boy.
Did 900 crunches today. It was a bag of Cheetos, but still.
Why do they have to make things childproof when I’m still functioning at a kindergarten level of dexterity?
April Fool’s next week and still no one has asked me to be their fool.
No matter how old you are, an empty Christmas wrapping tube is still a fun thing to bonk someone over the head with.

More funny still quotes 👇

4 months ago
Share →: Spent most of the day making sure the couch still works. So far so good.

Commentary:
"Another productive day in the life of a couch tester! 🪑💼 Just making sure that seat cushion technology is up to par. Keep up the good work, couch potato! 🥔🛋️ #ProfessionalLounger"
4 months ago
Share →: I still get so surprised every time someone I find attractive finds me attractive. Like, are you sure?

Commentary:
"Me when someone cute shows interest: Wait, really? Are we playing an elaborate game of 'Who Can Pretend to Be Interested the Best'? 🤔🤷‍♀️ #StillShook"
4 months ago
Share →: David Attenborough narrating my life: “He’s still sleeping.”

Commentary:
"Here we observe the elusive human in its natural habitat, exhibiting its most impressive skill: snoozing 💤. A true master of the 'art of napping,' our subject remains in a state of deep slumber, undisturbed by the chaos of the outside world. Truly a captivating spectacle to behold! 🌟 #SleepGoals"
4 months ago
Share →: Can it still be an emotional support animal if the animal doesn’t want to participate? Asking for my cat.

Commentary:
🐱😂 Oh, the eternal dilemma of trying to persuade a cat to be emotionally supportive! Perhaps it's more of a "reluctant emotional support animal" situation? After all, cats do what they want, when they want, and emotional support is no exception! 😸 #CatLogic #EmotionalSupportStruggles
4 months ago
Share →: Valentine’s Day this week. If you have a crush on me we still have time to get cards and shave.

Commentary:
"Valentine's Day approaching! Quick, if you have a crush on me, there's still time to get cards and shave… well, at least the cards are easier to find! 😂💘 #LastMinuteLove"
5 months ago
Share →: In the 90s, you could tell who won the rap battle by who was still alive.

Commentary:
"Ah, the good ol' 90s rap battles: where survival was the ultimate flex! 💥💀 Let's just say, winning those battles was a real 'life or death' situation back then! 😂🎤 #RapBattleRoyale"
5 months ago
Share →: Just did my best horse impression and the doctor still won’t give me ketamine.

Commentary:
"Looks like the doctor wasn't horsin' around when it comes to prescribing ketamine! 🐴💉 Maybe try neighing for a second opinion? 🤣 #DoctorIsNotBuyingIt"
5 months ago
Share →: Maybe if we sit extremely still, Monday won’t be able to see us.

Commentary:
🤫 Shhh, quick! Freeze! Monday is approaching! If we stay perfectly still, maybe we can trick Monday into thinking we're just a part of the furniture and escape its clutches! 😄 Let's blend in with the office decor and hope for the best! 🪑🕰️ #StealthyMondayAvoidance
5 months ago
Share →: That odd feeling when your lunch break is over and you still have to work for another 30 years.

Commentary:
"Ah, the joys of adulting! Who knew that a 30-minute lunch break could feel like an eternity compared to the looming 30-year work sentence ahead? 😂 Hang in there, just think of all the extra coffee breaks you'll have in those 30 years! ☕️💪"
5 months ago
Share →: “Still gangsta” I whisper to myself as I drink my chamomile tea with a heating pad on my back.

Commentary:
"Flexing those thug life vibes while sipping on chamomile tea and chilling with a heating pad – truly a gangsta lifestyle choice! 💪🍵🔥 Who says you can't be hardcore and cozy at the same time? 😂 #GangstaGoals"