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Garlic and bread is the only marriage I truly have faith in.

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My bank account is also in retrograde.

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Stop worrying if people like you. They don’t.

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Treat me like a joke and I’ll leave you like it’s funny.

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I’ve got a soft heart and a savage mouth. I’m like a Hallmark card written by Gordon Ramsay.

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Donโ€™t ever forget where you came from. Thatโ€™s where you left your car.

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Thanks to rice cakes, I still can’t imagine nothingness, but now I know what it tastes like.

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When you scream into your pillow, the memory foam never forgets.

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The list of women who havenโ€™t slept with me is really impressive.

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If I were lost and all I had was a compass, I would still be lost.

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I relate to a rooster because I also want start off my day by screaming.

I relate to a rooster because I also want start off my day by screaming.

Commentary:
๐Ÿ” "I relate to a rooster because I also want to start my day off by screaming… or at least hitting the snooze button repeatedly! ๐Ÿ˜‚๐Ÿšจ Rise and shine, or snooze and whine โ€“ the eternal morning struggle!"



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