I’m so bored of being bored because being bored is really boring.

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I’m neither a lover nor a fighter. I’m a snacker.

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Ten million people accused me of exaggerating today.

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An adult is a person that keeps Ibuprofen in more than one place.

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Smart people are like huskies. If you don’t give them an interesting problem, they become an interesting problem.

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A gentleman always straightens out the vending machine after shaking it.

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If a dog growled at me, I would try to understand where they’re coming from.

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Even at my most evil, I’m considerate.

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Nobody seems more shocked, disappointed and dismayed than the person behind the post office counter when I arrive and say I’ve got something to post.

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Nobody supports you like that one internet friend you’ve never met.

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That awkward moment when someone is doing the dishes, and you slowly put your dish in the sink.