It’s not that I want more shoes, it’s just that they keep making them in my size.

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The hottest thing a man can do is exactly what he said he was going to.

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When the Olympics finally introduces the event “Dropping your phone and very nearly catching it but not quite” then you’ll all see me shine.

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I bought my antidepressants off of Temu and now I glow in the dark.

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“My reading glasses would look good on your nightstand.” -Me, flirting.

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What song lyric resonates with you the most? Mine is “we’re tiny, we’re toony, we’re all a little loony”

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I took the first step towards cleaning out my closet today. I went in there and looked it over good.

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I didn’t just turn into a grouchy old woman overnight. It took years of people letting me down, pissing me off, and dealing with idiots to get this good at it.

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Twitter is Iike the smoking area for social media.

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Unfortunately, I have the paper towel habit of a much wealthier woman.

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My youngest had a mandatory drugs and alcohol lecture today at school, and he still can’t mix a proper drink.