Many people mistakenly believe that diamond is the hardest substance on earth, but in reality it is my husband’s stubborn head.

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Tip on how best to start a conversation with me: Not at all.

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One day you’re young and carefree, and the next you have a favorite stove burner.

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One of the most disappointing things is when you get a severe thunderstorm warning, and there is no severe thunderstorm.

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You’ll be having a good day and then someone your age says they’re buying a house.

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I love men with a provider fetish.

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When I quit my job I’m setting one last OOO message that just says “your email will never find me again”

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You need a twins name suggestion? How about Kate and DupliKate?

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Everyone hates on Gollum but he had the right idea: become a hermit, collect jewels, swim naked in lakes and pools, occasionally hiss at people who try to make you go places.

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If I win the lottery, I’m buying four politicians and some really nice shoes.

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When I trip, I always look back to see who or what did it, because it couldn’t have possibly been my fault.