Many people mistakenly believe that diamond is the hardest substance on earth, but in reality it is my husband’s stubborn head.

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Sneaking up behind people and marrying them.

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I wish religion made people nicer to each other.

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I couldn’t work at a zoo. I’d have a penguin in my car by the end of the shift.

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Group projects taught me how to do everything alone and trust no one.

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Keeping a picture of my bed in a locket around my neck and staring at it longingly on my lunch break.

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As per my last curse, I have no interest in this.

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Say what you want about online meetings, but there are few things more liberating than attending a disciplinary hearing naked from the waist down.

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No thanks, social media influencers. I prefer making decisions the old-fashioned way: under the influence of alcohol.

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A little sign under the doorbell that says, “think twice, adventurer.”

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The breathing exercises from the birth preparation course are only needed once the child has reached puberty.