Maybe if we all sit extremely still, Monday won’t be able to see us.

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My OnlyFans is just me loading the dishwasher correctly.

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I thought I needed a drink. Turns out what I really needed was a divorce.

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Grandparents are there to help the kids get into trouble and teach them stupid things they wouldn’t think of on their own.

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Meteorologists are always talking about the weather and hardly ever about meteors.

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I should’ve been an air conditioner because all I do is vent.

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I like my Jims slim and my chances fat.

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Summer Olympics is just me swimming in sweat and wrestling with my sports bra.

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I like my messages, how I like my nuts – MIXED.

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Weird. I’m the only one naked at this gender reveal party.

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Just told my kids it’s illegal to have the light on while we’re driving. I will not break this cycle.