Maybe if we all sit extremely still, Monday won’t be able to see us.

80 shares on Messenger this month:

I wonder if that football guy will be at the Taylor Swift game again today.

51 shares on Telegram this month:

You ever notice how when you get home from food shopping, the kids turn into airport security?

94 shares on Instagram this month:

Subtitles are for when you’re eating chips.

50 shares on Telegram this month:

The absolute hottest thing you can do in front of a woman is tame a horse, but unfortunately, modern life affords us little opportunities for that.

95 shares on LinkedIn this month:

Them: Good morning! Me: Where?

19 shares on Twitch this month:

I ate my exam paper. Which means that pretty soon I’ll pass the test.

86 shares on Pinterest this month:

Me: “I’m still young.” My bones: “No, we not.”

15 shares on WhatsApp this month:

“Too much garlic”? What’s next? Too much love? Too much desire?

39 shares on Slack this month:

If you love someone, let them go. If they come back with snacks, it was always meant to be.

82 shares on Telegram this month:

That awkward moment when you try something on in a shop but you don’t know if you can get it off again.