Trendy Funny Quotes

  • I never learned to swim because I didn’t think it would ever be more than an hour since I last ate.
  • Non-parents be like: I would simply instruct the toddler to do something he doesn’t want to do, and he would obey.
  • Welcome to your 40s: here’s an extra chin.
  • I tried being the bigger person but all it got me was type 2 diabetes.
  • I made a clone of myself to do the dishes, another to do the laundry, and another to do the cooking, but we’re all sitting on the couch watching TV.
  • If you get drunk and message your ex, don’t worry. When you wake up, send bitcoin ads and pretend you were hacked.