Ok, new plan, I’m gonna marry a Kardashian.

59 shares on Snapchat this month:

For those who don’t want Alexa listening in on your conversations, they’re making a male version that doesn’t listen to anything.

69 shares on TikTok this month:

Not trying to brag but this cop says my rear end is smoking.

78 shares on Facebook this month:

I’m like a candle: I’m cute, I smell nice, and there’s a pretty good chance I’ll set your curtains on fire if left unattended.

18 shares on Snapchat this month:

Working on my harmonica skills so those around me can both hear and feel my depression.

79 shares on Facebook this month:

Clubbing is a phase that you must go through and get over.

98 shares on Instagram this month:

Never miss a good chance to shut up.

13 shares on Instagram this month:

Was complaining to my mom about my daughter’s attitude and she told me I should’ve named her payback.

86 shares on Reddit this month:

Washing your face and water going down your elbow is so sickening.

35 shares on Snapchat this month:

I think I just hit a Labubu with my car.

17 shares on Instagram this month:

The world is my oyster and I’m allergic to shellfish.