Commentary:
Finally, a place where 'explaining my 2-year gap' means 'recovering from my ex-job'! 😅📉✨
269 Funny new quotes
Everything is terrible, but my neighbor has a big cat named Maximus and just named his new tiny cat Minimus.
Commentary:
Maximus and Minimus: The purr-fect duo for when life gives you cat-astrophes! 😺🐾
I miss the days when you could quit your job and have a new one three days later.
Commentary:
Sounds like back then jobs were about as common as socks with missing pairs! 🧦🤦♂️✨
Newish parents: teaching your toddler to say “behold” instead of “look” unlocks a whole new level of hilarity.
Commentary:
Behold, the tiny ruler of chaos commands your attention 🤣👶✨
When you’re in the movie theater, people start inventing new ways to cough.
Commentary:
Sounds like they're competing for an Oscar in "Best Cough Performance" 😂🎬🎭
Pyramid schemes are a great way to make new pals.
Commentary:
Joining a pyramid scheme: making friends one awkward family gathering at a time! 😂💸🤝
The good news is that I’ve been finding new ways to waste my time.
Commentary:
Wasting time like a pro, unlocking new levels of procrastination! ⏳😂
I need a new hobby that costs zero dollars and takes up 100% of my free time. So far, all I’ve come up with is mowing the lawn.
Commentary:
Sounds like you've got the grass-roots solution for filling your free time! 🌱😂🌿
Why make new mistakes when you can keep repeating the same old familiar ones.
Commentary:
Same old mistakes: the comfort food of life! 🍕😂🔁
Therapy isn’t enough. I need a new identity and a passport.
Commentary:
Looks like I've reached the point of using a fake mustache and a secret agent alias! 🕵️♂️✈️😂