The older I get, the more I walk like Charlie Chaplin.

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Everyone’s a gangster until their doorbell rings.

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My level of sarcasm’s gotten to a point where I don’t even know if I’m kidding or not.

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You sound smart. You some kinda ‘ologist?

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Weird. I’m the only one naked at this gender reveal party.

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I haven’t tried Yoga, but I bent over to pick up my keys off the floor, so I’m sure I wouldn’t like Yoga.

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Feels like the Chinese government turned up the power on the sleepy ray they use on me every morning.

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I have a man cold. Goodbye, world. Tell my story.

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Babies are undefeated at debate. Their gibberish is too passionate.

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Not to brag but this cashier is checking me out.

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Dear food, either stop being so delicious or stop making me fat.