“What do your tattoos mean?” They mean I can sit still for a long time.

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I grew up in a kinder, gentler age. We pitied our fools.

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People who work in customer service should be allowed to fight one customer a day. Two on Fridays.

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Is ‘ugh’ an emotion? Because I fell it all the time.

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1994: I can’t wait to see what the world is like in 30 years. 2024: God no.

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I always tell my kids that it’s okay to make mistakes just as long as you learn how to blame them on other people.

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I look stable, but I talk to animals and wait for them to reply.

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Offering someone food, and secretly hoping, they don’t want it.

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Singing in the shower is fun until you get soap in your mouth. Then it’s a soap opera.

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I think something is so beautifully wrong with you.

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Whenever I go down the stairs next to an escalator, I always move faster than the escalator to prove to the people I made the better decision.