4 out 3 people struggle with math.

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Today I broke my personal record for most consecutive days lived.

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If you like constant interruptions when you’re trying to get something done, then parenting might be for you.

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People drive you insane and then say “see, I told you that you’re insane.”

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Of course I talk to myself. Sometimes I need expert advice.

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Told someone I’m as “single as a pringle and as neato as a dorito” and they blocked me immediately.

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Applying for jobs feels like auditioning to be enthusiastic about a blind date you haven’t even met yet.

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The spelling of “bourgeoisie” was intended as yet another means of oppression.

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Sorry, I’m late. I got here when I wanted to.

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You can use an egg timer to tell you when your egg is cooked perfectly. For brown rice you can use a calendar.

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They say money doesn’t solve all problems, but it will surely solve all of mine.