Not to brag, but I just walked upstairs and remembered why.

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The only time anyone should watch the news is to study how psychological manipulation works on the general public.

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We should thank heaven for nipples. Without them boobs would be pointless.

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People who own banana costumes will wear that shit to anything.

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I’ll let you guys know if the psych ward has wifi.

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Men can be sorted into two camps: the ones who get haircuts way before they need them, and the ones who wait until people in their lives are complaining.

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Getting money from the Tooth Fairy is a gateway drug to organ trafficking.

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I named my dog “5 Miles,” so I can tell people I walk 5 miles every day.

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That uncle who kept his distance from the rest of the family will start making more sense to you as you get older.

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The length of a LinkedIn Post is directly proportional to the amount of bullshit in it.

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The train announcer just said we should keep our personal belongings with us at all times but I’ve left most of mine at home.