Anyone who doesn’t like me snoring, doesn’t deserve me moaning either.

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Taking yesterday’s bad mood on a multi-day tour.

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If you’re partying with your cousin and you’re asked if you’re related, “Our parents are siblings” will cause a lot of confusion.

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Accidentally blurted out “skip intro” when my mother-in-law wasn’t getting to the point.

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My passport probably thinks I’m in prison.

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Never trust people who smile constantly. They’re either selling something or not very bright.

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In an effort to keep the employees motivated and increase morale, my boss has asked me to stop talking to everyone.

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I would only enjoy the Met Gala if at the end of that runway they all walked into a volcano.

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If your first child is uncomplicated, then it’s a trick of nature to get you to have a second child. The second will be an unpredictable bundle of energy that seems to get by without sleep.

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I don’t have any patience because it takes too long.

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Pretty sure the guy in front of me at McDonald’s ordered the rest of the food.