I haven’t spoken to my wife in years. I didn’t want to interrupt her.

That annoying moment when you’re texting someone and autocorrect decides to join the conversation.

“Excuse me, are you gonna finish those fries?” Me, interrupting a couple fighting.

Sometimes I tell myself I should stop drinking so much, but I’m not about to listen to a drunk who’s talking to himself.

Talking to animals doesn’t make you crazy, hearing them talk back does.

She never lets ideas interrupt the easy flow of her conversation.

She didn’t leave you on read, bro. You left her on speechless.

If my neighbors would just talk a little louder I could follow along with their conversation, but no. Rude.

β€œYou’re acting weird!” I’m not acting.

Really just want to meet someone who knows what songs not to talk over.

My wife asked me why the bottle of wine we bought yesterday was half empty. I said because she is a pessimist.

“You’re so quiet!” Thanks! I actually tried to speak twice but you kept talking over me.

You should introduce your upper lip to your bottom lip sometime and shut up.

You okay, babe? You’ve hardly touched the promises you made me.

Hobbies include fake smiling while waiting for people to stop talking.

And is your “sparkling personality” in the room with us now?

That awkward moment when you’ve said “What?” three times, so you just say “Oh, yeah..” even though you have no idea what they said.

In a job interview, you can always respond to an awkward question with a deep gaze and parted lips, followed by β€œYou complete me.”

Me: what can possibly go wrong though. Anxiety: I’m glad you asked.

Twitter is fun. You kinda just talk to yourself and sometimes someone replies.

Whenever I’m with real yappers, I realize I might actually be a listener.

Gordon Ramsay is only funny because he’s not talking to me like that.

I love when toddlers passionately talk to you about absolutely nothing.

I look stable, but I talk to animals and wait for them to reply.

You can’t argue with me because I’ll just agree with you until you leave.