1580 Funny joke quotes

• Long story short, I survived.

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  56 minutes ago

  humor, i, joke, resilience, short, short story, story, survival

• I tried selling my soul to the devil, and he said no.

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  2 hours ago

  dark, dark humor, devil, humor, i, joke, rejection, said, selling, selling soul, soul, tried

• Hey girl, are you a cigarette? Because I like cigarettes.

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  2 hours ago

  cigarette, cigarettes, flirt, girl, humor, i, joke, line, pickup, pickup line

• Rewatching Avengers: Age of Ultron. Despite the title, they never tell you how old Ultron is.

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  2 hours ago

  age, Age of Ultron, Avengers, film, humor, joke, movie, never, old, rewatching, superhero, tell, title, Ultron

• Hand sanitizer will find a cut you didn’t even know you had.

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  6 hours ago

  cut, even, hand, hand sanitizer, health, humor, hygiene, joke, know, pain, sanitizer

• Cutting my steak at Texas Roadhouse with my car keys.

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  6 hours ago

  car, car key, cutting, joke, key, keys, restaurant, roadhouse, steak, substitute, Texas, Texas Roadhouse, utensil, utensil substitute

• I had a million opportunities to waste money this year, and I took them all. In fact, even when there wasn’t an opportunity, I created one.

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  3 days ago

  budgeting, even, fact, finance, humor, i, joke, million, money, opportunity, personal, personal finance, self-deprecating, spending, waste, year

• The problem with salad is, it’s salad.

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  3 days ago

  eating, food, healthy, healthy eating, humor, joke, problem, salad

• The thing about Pink Floyd is they take a little while to start singing.

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  3 days ago

  band, Floyd, humor, joke, little, music, pink, Pink Floyd, rock, rock band, singing, slow, slow start, start, take, thing, while

• Saw a girl in a Franz Ferdinand T-shirt. She couldn’t even name three other main causes of the outbreak of World War I.

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  3 days ago

  cause, even, ferdinand, franz, Franz Ferdinand, girl, history, humor, i, joke, main, name, saw, t-shirt, three, war, world, World War I

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