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My ex had this fetish where he would dress up in his own clothes and act like an idiot.

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Lois Lane said, โ€œClark?โ€ like she didnโ€™t just make out with that same jawline in spandex twelve hours ago.

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Some people are like wallpaperโ€ฆ same pattern repeating every time.

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I need a vaccine against overthinking.

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Not to brag, but I skipped my mid-life crisis and went straight to cranky old man.

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I may not have lost all my marbles yet, but there’s a small hole in the bag somewhere.

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Money is always a motive for murder. Stay broke.

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Why is adulthood just bills and wondering what to eat?

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If Halloween is over, then why am I still scared?

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Rock bottom should give me free sandwich and coffee for how often I hit it.

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