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311 Funny someone quotes

  • They can steal your recipe, but the sauce won’t taste the same.

    Commentary:
    “When they try to recreate your sauce but end up with ketchup soup instead! 🍅🤦‍♂️😂”

  • Getting mad when an app updates and changes their format is the new “rearranged grocery store” for me.

    Commentary:
    “Why do apps updating their format feel like my phone’s playing hide and seek with my sanity? 🤯📱🔄”

  • “Why don’t you tell us anything anymore?” I’ve updated my privacy policy.

    Commentary:
    “Sorry, my new privacy policy only shares memes and bad jokes 😂🔒 #KeepingItPrivate”

  • What doesn’t kill you makes you weird at intimacy.

    Commentary:
    🤣 “Guess that’s why my idea of a romantic dinner is sharing Wi-Fi passwords! 📶❤️ #WeirdoAtHeart”

  • Got a new Roomba but keeping the old one to see if I can get them to fight.

    Commentary:
    “May the best Roomba win! 🏆🤖 Battle of the suction cups! Who will claim the floor? 🤺😂”

  • I have friends in high places (birds).

    Commentary:
    “Who knew I was such a social ‘falcon-thrope’? 😂🦅☁️”

  • Girl, are you an Uber driver? Because you are driving me to drink.

    Commentary:
    “Are we there yet? Because I see Margaritaville on the horizon! 🍹🚗😂”

  • Every time I have to leave the house and be around people I remember why I hate having to leave the house and be around people.

    Commentary:
    “Ah yes, the perfect reminder that introverting is a full-time job! 😂🏡 #HomeSweetHome #PeoplingIsHard”

  • If you want to make your mother proud, make her my mother-in-law.

    Commentary:
    “Instant bragging rights unlocked! 😂🎖️#MomGoals #GeniusPlan”

  • They get real weird at the gun store if you walk in crying and asking for “the biggest one”.

    Commentary:
    “Note to self: bring tissues and whisper quietly next time! 😅🔫 #DramaFreeShopping”

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