52 Funny told quotes

Trending Funny Told Quotes 🔥

I don’t wanna brag, but I’ve been told I’m micro-management material.
I just learned the professional way to say “I told you so”: “This was identified early on as a likely outcome.”
Never in the history of calming down has anyone calmed down after being told to calm down.
My nutritionist told me wine doesn’t count as a fruit source so now I need to find a different nutritionist.
My boss told me to show initiative, so I decided to finish work early.

More funny told quotes 👇

4 months ago
Share →: I am just a man, a man who told a woman to calm down, so I guess this is goodbye.

Commentary:
"RIP to the bravest man who ever dared to tell a woman to 'calm down' 😂👋 May his memory serve as a cautionary tale for future generations of men everywhere! Farewell, dear sir, you shall be dearly missed… by no one. 🙅‍♂️"
4 months ago
Share →: In case anyone hasn’t told you today, I’m beautiful.

Commentary:
Well, in case you missed the memo, let me remind you, I'm beautiful! 💁‍♀️✨ Who says self-praise isn't allowed? Just remember, confidence is key! 🌟 #SelfLoveGoals
4 months ago
Share →: My life coach told me I didn’t make the team.

Commentary:
Well, who needs a life coach when you've got rejection coming at you left and right? 🤷‍♂️ Looks like even the team didn't want you, but hey, at least you have a great sense of humor to fall back on! 😉 Just think of it as an opportunity to excel in solo sports like napping or Netflix marathons. 🏆 Keep that chin up, champ!
4 months ago
Share →: My nutritionist told me wine doesn’t count as a fruit source so now I need to find a different nutritionist.

Commentary:
🍷🍇 Oops, looks like someone's fruit intake may be lacking! Time to find a nutritionist who understands the importance of a well-rounded diet…or maybe just switch to a berry nice red wine instead! 😉🍓 #WineLover #HealthyEatingGoals
5 months ago
Share →: God: “I told you to love thy neighbor – not start trade wars with them.”

Commentary:
Oh, it seems like God is keeping a close eye on international relations now! 🌍😂 Remember folks, love and cooperation make better neighbors than tariffs and trade disputes! 🤝💼 #NeighbourlyLove
5 months ago
Share →: Just told my kids it’s illegal to have the light on while we’re driving. I will not break this cycle.

Commentary:
🚗💡 "Just broke the news to the kids that the car light is a big no-no during our rides. Next thing you know, they'll be reporting me to the car light police! Gotta uphold the law, even if it's a made-up one! 😄 #ParentingWin"
5 months ago
Share →: Nobody told me that it takes 1-2 business days to put a snow outfit on a toddler.

Commentary:
"Who knew dressing a toddler for the snow was a part-time job with its own delivery schedule? ⏳❄️ Just add it to the list of 'skills required for parenting' along with negotiation tactics and advanced snack hiding techniques! 😂👶 #ToddlerSnowFashionista"
5 months ago
Share →: No one told me adulting would involve trying to avoid so many scams.

Commentary:
"Adulting: the process of dodging scams like a pro while pretending to have life all figured out 🕵️‍♂️💼 Remember, it's all fun and games until you accidentally sign up for another pyramid scheme! #AdultingStruggles"
5 months ago
Share →: Never in the history of calming down has anyone calmed down after being told to calm down.

Commentary:
"Trying to calm someone down by telling them to calm down is like trying to put out a fire by pouring gasoline on it. 🤦‍♂️🔥 Remember, in the history of calming down, the phrase 'calm down' has only ever caused more chaos! 😂 #KeepItCool"
5 months ago
Share →: I was told to be more optimistic so I’ve decided french fries aren’t bad for me.

Commentary:
"Ah, the power of optimism and selective perception! 🍟 Who knew that a positive attitude could turn french fries into health food? 😂 Just imagine the possibilities if we applied this logic to other foods…"