95 funny told quotes - Page 3 - Wordgag

I told all my neighbors that I have a twin, so that when I see them in public I don’t have to talk to them.

May 22, 2026

My doctor told me to try a milk bath. Adding the Cinnamon Toast Crunch was my idea.

May 22, 2026

My doctor told me “good luck” and gave me finger guns, so obviously I’m dying.

May 21, 2026

Massage therapist asked how I felt about chiropractics and I told her the guy who invented it says he learned it from a ghost, and that shut the conversation down pretty quick.

May 21, 2026

I told my wife the laundry on the couch ain’t gonna fold itself, so if y’all don’t hear from me later, she probably folded me like an omelet.

May 21, 2026

People drive you insane and then say “see, I told you that you’re insane.”

May 21, 2026

Made the mistake of believing what I was told again.

May 20, 2026

Married life: Telling your partner the same sentence 7 days in a row, only for him to say, “You definitely never told me that!”

May 20, 2026

I remember when my boss asked me who is the stupid one, me or him? And I told him everyone knows he doesn’t hire stupid people.

May 20, 2026

Had an interview today, and my belly rumbled. The lady goes, “Missed lunch?” I told her, “Nah, I’m hungry for success!”

May 19, 2026

You can’t stop me. My tampon wrapper told me I was bold and brilliant.

May 19, 2026

Told my girlfriend that Mum is deaf, so speak loud and slow. Also told Mum that my girlfriend has special needs.

May 19, 2026

Honestly, will never top the year I told everyone I was going to be Amelia Earhart for Halloween, and then didn’t show up to the party.

May 19, 2026

Not a gold digger, but the other night a woman told me her grandpa owns a Christmas tree farm. That shit had me rubbing my hands like a fly.

May 19, 2026

I actually do check to see if you told me happy birthday before I tell you.

May 19, 2026