Horrifying if literal: my girlfriend is a gym rat.

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Me waking up: wow, I can’t wait to go to sleep tonight.

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I accidentally messed up my life. How do I start a new account?

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I’ve reached the age where people talk loudly and slowly to me.

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It’s curious how kids are always really hungry right before dinner and right after dinner, but never during actual dinner.

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If you’re looking for a quiet place to talk to yourself, my DMs are open.

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Just googled “insanity” over and over but was expecting different results.

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I taped a picture of my paycheck on my front door to keep all the solicitors away.

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In a parallel universe, Mariah Carey is doing her shopping and is sick of hearing me on every store’s speaker system.

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In honor of the winter solstice, I also will be cold, distant and filled with darkness.

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Twitter is great because you can get good life advice from other emotionally unstable adults.