I get it, sauce, I also thicken over time.

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How many jokes about lightbulbs does it take to change us?

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A haunted house but in every room someone is asking you to say a little something about yourself.

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Went jogging and came back after five minutes because I forgot something. Forgot I’m out of shape.

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The greatest trick ever was making people feel more connected, when they are actually more alone than ever.

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The sexual tension between me and buying more books.

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Fitbits are just Tamagotchis, except the stupid animal you’re trying to keep alive is you.

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When someone sits in the empty seat beside you: flattered yet annoyed. When no one sits in the empty seat beside you: offended yet relieved.