I haven’t lost my virginity because I never lose.

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My favorite part of socializing is when it’s over.

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You don’t need to leave a message in a bottle. If the bottle is full of tequila, I’ll get the message.

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You don’t scare me, I was married once.

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Met a microbiologist once. They’re a lot bigger than I imagined.

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The downside of common sense is, having to deal with those that lack it.

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What happened to the art of just liking one person?

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Requesting the Pink Panther theme song at karaoke and just standing on the stage motionless the entire time.