I like warm weather but only to a certain degree.

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I’ve got to start taking better care of myself. Tomorrow I’ll walk to the liquor store.

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Holding this fart in feels like I’m pregnant with a dinosaur.

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Does bisexual mean twice as sexual or once every other sexual?

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My car spider built a web across my steering wheel and now I can’t go anywhere.

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I love when really expensive products say, “apply generously,” like, of course, you would say that.

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The point of life is going to a good restaurant and getting two cocktails with dinner. That’s it.

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Never trust a man that’s good at flirting. He’s had too much practice.

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I’m at that age where someone can call me the wrong name and I’m just like “whatever, I’ll be Dan for a minute”.

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I will play my favorite song until the artist comes out of my phone to ask for water.

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They say “When you snooze, you lose”… I say “When you take a nappy, you are happy.”