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Interviewer: “What did you learn from your previous job?” Me: “That I need a new job.”

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When you have finished reading this funny quote, you will be a little closer to death than before.

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A police lineup, but you have to recognize your dad’s sneeze.

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Confidence is 10% work and 90% delusion.

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The unemployed urge to say I love you during a job interview.

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All these laws are really getting in the way of my driving.

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Tornadoes are the most relaxing things in the news.

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The agony of thinking you’re finished doing the dishes, only to turn around and, to your horror, the pot.

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The world would be a much nicer place if we just turn off the news.

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The highlight of my weekends is slipping into something more comfortable and putting my feet up.