AUSTIN—In a stunning revelation not seen since the invention of the calculator, local math teachers celebrated what they called a “perfect day” devoid of any trigonometric functions. “It’s such a relief to leave sin and cos locked up where they belong,” said math teacher Frank Littleton, adding that he’s ready to explore simpler pleasures like enjoying sunlight without calculating the angle of refraction.

Self-proclaimed math enthusiast Linda Moore has taken it a step further, declaring her intent to cancel her magazine subscription to ‘Trigonometry Today.’ “I’ve always wondered what life would be like if we could wean ourselves off sine,” she said. Moore gleefully shredded worksheets while reminiscing about famous mathematicians who never resorted to triangles.

The school district has already seen rapid changes. A spokesperson announced the cafeteria is piloting a ‘Tangent-Free Tuesday,’ offering students extra credit for turning in any cosine-related paraphernalia. “We’re optimistic about this new dawn where math might actually produce some laughter,” said the spokesperson, glancing cautiously at the dusty box of protractors.