Sometimes I sneeze so loud and hard I think I’m a dad.

Someone from 🇪🇬 has bookmarked:

My cold is worse than yours because it’s happening to me.

Someone from 🇦🇴 has viewed:

At the strip club sighing until one of the dancers asks me what’s wrong.

Someone from 🇱🇦 has bookmarked:

Gonna waterboard my houseplants so they know who’s the boss.

Someone from 🇹🇩 has downloaded:

Ninety percent of my new follows are beautiful women, which tells me one thing: I’ve still got it!

Someone from 🇧🇧 has viewed:

Don’t invite me anywhere in the last minute. I enjoy doing nothing, so I need to know ahead of time if my plan to do nothing needs to be changed.

Someone from 🇳🇱 has shared:

This year is starting to feel like it needs to be left outside until we see if it can act right.

Someone from 🇩🇿 has viewed:

If an alien is 60 million light years away and is watching us through a telescope, it will see dinosaurs.

Someone from 🇩🇴 has viewed:

Whoever invented the gender reveal party needs to be launched into the sun.

Someone from 🇵🇰 has copied:

I don’t consider myself anything but average. However, I have aged well.

Someone from 🇰🇬 has viewed:

I do all my own stunts, but never intentionally.