The only reason I haven’t gone crazy yet is because I’m just too lazy.

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Maybe Baby wants to be put in the corner.

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I’d like to meet the person who decided that if you wanted to get married fast, it had to be done by Elvis.

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Police officer: please step out of your vehicle. Me: after this song, hold on.

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I’m sorry I pretended I was dead when I saw you in public.

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A murder on the dance floor would explain the panic! at the disco.

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Babysitting a pair of twin babies right now and feeding them saying “here comes the airplane”. I don’t know, just feels weird.

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Why does the weekend always feel like it lasts five minutes?

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People that never want to leave the house unite! Separately at our own homes.

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The way my phone’s facial recognition pretends not to recognize me, you’d think I dated it.

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Bartenders be like “here’s that receipt, I’ll go ahead and put it on the wettest part of the bar”.