When life gives you lemons, squirt someone in the eye.

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I’m at the age where, if you ask me to go out after 9 p.m., I’m definitely not coming.

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You gotta separate the art from the artist. Like, for example, sometimes the artist is really nice but their art sucks.

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Last night my guardian angel came to me, covered me up, gave me a kiss on the forehead and whispered in my ear: “You’re a pain in the ass!”

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Why do guys named Timothy go by Tim when they could go by Moth?

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“Your password is too weak!” Just wait until you see my impulse control.

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I got a raise! On my meds dosage. But still.

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Today is one of those days where I have to remind myself that you’re not allowed to strangle people.

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Sometimes I just want a man to talk to me in the same voice he uses to talk to his dog.

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I’m at that point on a Monday where no.

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I’m sorry, but I already have an A.I. boyfriend.