Work meetings would be a lot more fun if they took place in a giant IKEA ball pit.

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If snails are so slow, why don’t we ever see them coming? It’s just BAM, there’s a snail.

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If you love something, set it free. If it comes back to you, then you love a boomerang.

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Interviewer: Can I get you anything? Me: Yeah, a job!

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No, they’re not “symptoms of depressions.” They’re Blue’s Clues.

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People who live in glass houses should be put on a watchlist.

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My favorite yoga pose is the one where you eat a sandwich.

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Clubbing is a phase that you must go through and get over.

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I accidentally used my dog’s shampoo today, and now I’m feeling like such a good girl.

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Girls will be like, “This is my comfort song,” and it’s the howling of a wolf inside a dark forest.

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I’m not arguing, I’m just explaining why I’m right.