You can pronounce it “Nude Jersey” and no one will know.

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Oh, how much I love a Sunday when you don’t have to work the next day.

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My idea of fun is watching something on the TV while I look at relevant Wikipedia articles on my phone.

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I’m sick of diarrhea. I want to livarrhea.

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Doesn’t matter if the chicken or the egg came first. Still a weird thing to just appear.

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Not arguing with a man that can cook. Whatever you say, handsome.

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You don’t scare me. You’re not a parking garage that I can’t figure out how to get out of.

Someone from 🇸🇲 has copied:

Sometimes you send an email that requires a response, and the other person writes back right away, and it’s like NO NOT YET.

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DUI stands for: don’t Uber, I got this.

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My security system is just a bunch of my unpaid bills taped to my front door.

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With great power comes the absolute certainty that you’ll turn into a right douche.