Аbsolutely crazy to thіnk that Leonardo DіCaprіo’s future gіrlfrіend іs currently nervous for her fіrst day of kіndergarten.

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Sometimes when I’m having a particularly stressful day, I take a pregnancy test to remind myself that at least one thing in my life is still going as planned.

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Deleting tweets like a writer who burns his manuscripts.

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What I lack in moves on the dance floor, I more than make up for in dancing around a conversation.

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I birthed my kid faster than she can put on shoes.

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“You look tired”. No, I’m just ugly.

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A baby cow is called a calf because it’s half a cow. Half cow. Calf. No further questions.

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It’s funny how our brains remember that we have forgotten something, but not what we have forgotten.

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Boyfriend hasn’t accepted my LinkedIn request yet. He doesn’t want to connect. He doesn’t want to build.

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Welcome to your 40’s: it’s ten years of people saying “wait until you’re 50”.

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I don’t know which aunty needs to hear this, but focus on your own child.