Funny today quotes capture the unpredictable rollercoaster 🎢 each day brings. From waking up motivated 😎 to losing steam by noon 💤, today always seems to have a mind of its own 🤪. These quotes highlight the funny twists, turns, and tiny disasters that turn an ordinary day into a comedy show 🎭. Get ready to laugh at the daily chaos that makes every “today” a brand-new adventure — whether you’re ready for it or not 😂!
New funny today quotes
- Today I was in a taxi, and the taxi driver said, “I love my job. I am my own boss, nobody tells me what to do!” Then I said, “Turn left.”
- Coffee ain’t gonna cut it today, I need to be chased through the woods by a machete-wielding maniac.
- Today, I noticed that the cover of my ironing board was wrinkled, and I laughed at the irony. Then I laughed again because of the word “irony.”
- Making a record-breaking number of bad choices today, I’m really proud of myself.
- Missed garbage day today, if you’re looking for a bad boy that doesn’t play by the rules.
- Today, I’m wearing pink to raise awareness for people like me who forget to separate their red laundry from their whites.
- My plans for today? Same as always: drink coffee and be sexy.
- I got called “pretty” today! Well, the full sentence was “You’re pretty annoying,” but I only focus on the positive things.
- I’m looking forward to tomorrow. It’ll be much like today, but different enough to confuse me.
- If anything goes wrong today, just dramatically whisper, “The prophecy has been fulfilled,” and walk away.
Top funny today quotes
- I accidentally used my dog’s shampoo today, and now I’m feeling like such a good girl.
- No, it’s totally fine, Grandma. Nobody else needs to use the stairs today.
- If every day is a gift, today is socks.
- I told a joke during a Zoom meeting today. Nobody laughed. It turns out I’m not even remotely funny.
- I bought a little bag of air today. The company that made it was kind enough to put some potato chips in it as well.
- Don’t think my brain is braining properly today.
- Due to unforeseen circumstances, I will be acting weird today.
- Gonna spend today following my cats into the kitchen and meowing at them until they give me treats.
- I touched grass today, and I’m still like this. Please advise.
- Today is the Mondayest Thursday that has ever been mistaken for a Friday in the history of Wednesdays.
Popular funny today quotes
- Today I ate vegetable lasagna… I don’t want to talk about it.
- Apparently, “I just don’t want to” is not a valid reason when your boss asks you why you’re not coming in today.
- 11:00 am – Anything is possible. 3:00 pm – But not today.
- No, I didn’t eat enough protein today, but I did think of you with enough intensity to generate new muscle tissue in my heart.
- I’m feeling sexy today. You’ve been warned.
- I bought a robot vacuum today. Named it “Dustbin Bieber”.
- Telling my coworkers I can’t talk in meetings today because I need to save my voice for concerts this weekend.
- Be the reason someone smiles today. Or blocks you. Whatever.
- I had to treat myself to a sweet goody today to distract my mind from the horrors of life.
- Met my soulmate again today: mashed potatoes and gravy.
More funny today quotes
- Wearing white pants today, so it’s really just a matter of time before I spill something on myself.
- My brain is on airplane mode today.
- Why put off until tomorrow what you can have an intern do today?
- I saw a bird get a worm today. It was about 11 am. So, don’t give up on your dreams, buddy!
- I wonder how my close personal beloved friend Taylor Swift is doing today.
- Good morning everyone, who feels like working today? I promise I’ll let you do my job.
- I hate when people ask me what I’m doing tomorrow, I don’t even know what I’m doing today.
- Tomorrow isn’t promised, we need to kiss today.
- Tomorrow isn’t promised, we need to flirt today.
- I’m never drinking again, unless something is going on later today.
Witty today quotes
- I don’t know who needs to hear this, but you don’t need anything from Amazon today.
- Tried to be a responsible adult today. Won’t be doing that again.
- Don’t forget to make everything about you today.
- The only squat I’m even considering doing today is diddly.
- Be the reason someone spits out their drink today.
- Whatever you do today, do it with the confidence of a 4-year old wearing a Batman cape.
- Confuse a restaurant manager today by telling her how good the service was.
- I can’t believe I forgot to go to the gym today. That’s like 7 years in a row now.
- I dropped and broke my phone today. Hurt more than childbirth!
- My wife almost fell down the stairs today and that got us into a heated argument whether my gasp was out of concern or excitement.
Funny today quotes remind us that no matter how well we plan 🗓️, today has its own hilarious agenda 😂. From unexpected mishaps 🤦♂️ to random wins 🎯, each day serves up a fresh batch of comedy gold 🤣. These quotes are perfect for anyone who starts each morning with a plan — only to watch it unravel by lunch 🙃. So embrace the unpredictability, enjoy the surprises, and keep laughing your way through today 🤪!