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Putting sunscreen on kids feels like cardio.

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9am: anything is possible. 2pm: maybe tomorrow.

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I took your advice and worked smarter not harder. Now Iโ€™m going to need your advice on a good lawyer.

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No matter how early you get up, fate always gets up half an hour earlier.

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Welcome to your 50โ€™s. Your doctor and pharmacist are both in your contacts now.

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Fun fact: Malcolm X was not his birth name. He was originally Malcolm Twitter.

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Receipts are like: Take this tiny piece of paper home with you and throw it away.

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I’ve never met a problem I couldn’t turn into a disaster.

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Maybe aliens don’t visit us because they’re all women and they want us to make the first move.

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Mice after a breakup be like โ€œwe are not on squeaking termsโ€.

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There’s a guy who thinks he’s going to Yale, but it’s jail.

There’s a guy who thinks he’s going to Yale, but it’s jail.

Commentary:
"When you mix up Ivy League with 'I Violate Laws' ๐Ÿคฆโ€โ™‚๏ธ๐Ÿš”๐ŸŽ“"

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