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I am the human version of tangled headphones.

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Iโ€™m not a fan of camping, if I wanted to sleep outside I wouldnโ€™t pay my mortgage.

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Iโ€™m accused of being a plagiarist. Their words, not mine.

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There should be a good 10 hours in between waking up and having to interact with people.

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Today I choose kindness, but we’ll see, it’s still early.

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Yabba dabba doo used to be a rad way to start a Saturday.

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Be the reason why a count unleashes ancient horrors onto the world when he thinks of you.

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Met a microbiologist once. Theyโ€™re a lot bigger than I imagined.

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Mrs. Doubtfire is my favorite movie about violating a custody agreement.

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If you want to impress me with your car, it should be an ice cream van.

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A freshly cleaned bathroom triggers an irresistible urge in men to trim their beard.

A freshly cleaned bathroom triggers an irresistible urge in men to trim their beard.

Commentary:
"Who knew a sparkling bathroom could be the secret to a well-groomed beard? ๐Ÿ’ˆ๐Ÿšฝ Cleanliness is truly the unsung hero of male grooming routines! Just don't blame the beard for clogging the drain ๐Ÿ˜… #BathroomMagic"



Welcome to Wordgag! ๐Ÿ˜‰โœŒ๏ธ Enjoy endless laughter with our collection of funny quotes guaranteed to crack you up. ๐Ÿ˜‚๐Ÿ’ฅ

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Someone from ๐Ÿ‡ฐ๐Ÿ‡ณ has shared:

What makes us human is selecting all images with traffic lights.

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I ghost family members too, so believe me, bro โ€” itโ€™s not personal.

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Rock bottom should give me free sandwich and coffee for how often I hit it.

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I think my type is a nice person.

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Divorce is so weird. Why do I have an ex-aunt?

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Gonna run this by my two best friends who are as insane as I am.

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I ordered one of those Tempura mattresses. Way too crunchy.

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Living your life to the fullest does not have to involve selfies with bison.

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Coffee: Because without it I would be a serious danger to society.

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My mama didnโ€™t raise a quitter, she raised a burnt out perfectionist who is sometimes bludgeoned into settling for mediocrity.