BRISTOL—At a Tuesday evening seminar titled “Dreams Don’t Expire,” local motivational speaker Gary Wicks reassured attendees that they were “never too old to achieve your dreams,” citing the inspirational example of then–Prince Charles, who patiently waited 73 years to be promoted to king. Wicks, clicking through slides of a calendar slowly turning to dust, called the royal timeline “proof that your goals are still on track, provided your chosen career field is single-occupancy and requires the incumbent to literally stop being alive.”

He elaborated that “success favors the patient heir,” coaching participants to “identify a throne-adjacent industry,” such as hereditary peerage, neighborhood parking spaces informally deeded to cones, or the office microwave. Attendees were urged to craft “succession boards” featuring pictures of dream jobs alongside actuarial tables, and to practice daily affirmations like “I am the next shift” while standing very still near people who never retire. One exercise, “Wave Like You Mean It,” asked students to smile serenely for 45 minutes while resisting all measurable achievement.

By the end, 62-year-old Dawn Pike had enrolled in a 40-year plan to become the nation’s first centenarian astronaut by “outlasting gravity,” while Wicks closed by upselling his Patience Mastery program, which includes a 73-year hourglass, a commemorative quill for signing accession documents, and a legal disclaimer noting that results require primogeniture, a commonwealth, and a mother. “Remember,” he said, handing out black armbands for vision boards, “if you can’t get the dream job today, simply ensure the person who has it lives forever—statistically, that takes care of itself.”