Funny quotes always

183 Funny always quotes

“You’re always drinking wine!” God forbid a girl enjoys the first miracle of Jesus.

1 week ago

If you ever need me, I’m always just a couple missed calls and text messages away.

2 weeks ago

The paintings I always like the most in museums are the ones that have a bench.

2 weeks ago

Why are moths always out at night when they like light so much? Wait til y’all find out about the sun.

2 weeks ago

I will always be hotter than everyone who hates me.

2 weeks ago

People who read and do research will always sound crazy to people who don’t.

1 month ago

It is only when a mosquito lands on your testicles that you realize there is always a way to solve problems without using violence.

1 month ago

I can relate to the stock market because I am always about to crash at a moment’s notice.

2 months ago

Laundry has to be the most sinister chore. Always waiting, always lurking.

2 months ago

That was a nice hour long Twitter scroll. Feel much worse as always. See you guys tomorrow.

2 months ago

Appliances always know when you’re getting a tax refund.

2 months ago

People always ask me “Do you believe in God?” and I say of course it’s important to have self-belief.

2 months ago

The best way to enjoy your tea while the world is falling apart around you is to remember that the world has always been falling apart around you.

2 months ago

Ever since I was a little kid I always knew I wanted to struggle to survive.

2 months ago

Why the hell is my laundry bin always full? I’m not even going anywhere.

3 months ago

I’m always looking for new and exciting ways to give up.

3 months ago

On Twitter, you will always find someone who is tweeting your thoughts but with better grammar.

3 months ago

Don’t date coworkers. Being the hot coworker nobody at work has a chance with is always the best role to play.

3 months ago

I always take responsibility for my actions when there is no one else around to blame.

3 months ago

Blocking someone isn’t enough; I need their PornHub videos to always buffer, just as they’re about to climax.

3 months ago

Robert De Niro always looks like he just smelled a nasty fart.

3 months ago

Doctors are always giving me Ibuprofen. Man, give me something I can sell.

3 months ago

Always be kind. You never know who might own a hot tub.

3 months ago

Meteorologists are always talking about the weather and hardly ever about meteors.

3 months ago

I always wait 3 minutes after each post for the applause to die down.

3 months ago

Very confusing that gross pay is before tax. I always find the number way grosser after tax.

3 months ago

It’s like my therapist always says, that’ll be $175.

3 months ago

What’s the point of having sex dreams if you always wake up just when it’s getting down to business?

3 months ago

You can always tell when a man’s mustache is performative and not representative of his true spirit.

3 months ago

Some people get weird as they get older. Not me, though. I’ve always been weird.

3 months ago