I’m like if a birthday card with no money inside was a person.

The older I get, the more I treat birthdays like one-night stands and just pretend they didn’t happen.

My muffin top has become a full blown birthday cake.

I eat cake every day because somewhere out there it’s someone’s birthday and I like to celebrate.

People singing Happy Birthday to you feels like a real-life unskippable ad.

My birthday wish is for everyone to ignore my birthday.

Home Depot should allow men over 40 to have birthday parties in their stores.

Jesus, I need money to organize your birthday.

One year closer to whatever age my obituary will say.

For my birthday, I want everyone to tell me how much they love me and why in immense detail.

Every girl’s personal hell is being too excited about their birthday and it ends up being the worst day ever.

As someone who was born in August, I find the word leotard extremely offensive.

Age is just a number that you keep off of Facebook after 35.

If you were the birthday gift I bought my wife some months ago, where would you be hiding?

That moment of panic when they invite you inside at the start of the birthday party you thought was a drop off.

I hope you celebrate your birthday like your birth – naked and screaming.

Kinda messed up that the government knows my birthday but never sends me a gift or anything.

One year older today, and still no closer to growing up.

Men: Masters of multitasking – can watch sports, ignore laundry, and forget your birthday, all at once.

So apparently it’s still a DUI even if you’re the birthday boy.

Age is just a number… that now takes a really long time to scroll to.

I know I’m almost 40 because I had a few drinks last night and woke up this morning thinking: Oh no I bought so many socks online last night.

Researchers have discovered that birthdays are healthy. People who have more grow older.

At my age, you check a friend’s Facebook page to make sure they’re still alive before wishing them a happy birthday.

It’s amazing, when it’s your birthday you really feel the love from family, friends, lovers, former dentists, yoga studios and various smootheries.