139 funny God quotes - Page 2 - Wordgag

“You’re such a stalker!” God forbid a woman wants to know more about her future husband.

May 26, 2026

God, I was so happy when I was 18. I wasn’t at the time, but in retrospect I was.

May 26, 2026

You only live once and thank God for that.

May 26, 2026

“You’re always drinking wine!” God forbid a girl enjoys the first miracle of Jesus.

May 26, 2026

“Stalking”. God forbid I have access to public information and know how to utilize my resources.

May 26, 2026

People that tell us what sex gods they are, what do you want us to do with that information?

May 26, 2026

Shoutout to all ladies dating silently without making noise on social media. May God give you another man as a bonus.

May 26, 2026

Got asked to be a godparent, proving God has lowered his recruitment standards.

May 25, 2026

When my nudes go to the cloud, I always hope God is impressed.

May 25, 2026

Ask your doctor if it’s right for you to eat oranges and pretend they’re planets and you’re a Greek god.

May 25, 2026

When God closes a door, he opens a window. Unfortunately, we are in a submarine.

May 25, 2026

God, I’m not trying to rush you for my soulmate; but could I get the tracking number?

May 25, 2026

If you want to make God laugh, inhale some helium then tell Him your plans.

May 25, 2026

Curious that talented athletes frequently credit God when they win, but we rarely see them blame God when they lose.

May 25, 2026

People always ask me “Do you believe in God?” and I say of course it’s important to have self-belief.

May 25, 2026

God: “I told you to love thy neighbor – not start trade wars with them.”

May 25, 2026

God saw you do that.

May 25, 2026

Crazy that caffeine has no short or long-term negative side effects. Just a super drug from God.

May 24, 2026

When someone dies people say “he’s going to meet his Maker”. No he’s not. God doesn’t mingle with the staff.

May 24, 2026

God: “You can’t just say ‘Goddammit!’ and expect Me to damn it. There’s a procedure. File the paperwork.”

May 24, 2026

God’s plan for me is super weird so far.

May 24, 2026

God sends you an only child as a friend to test you.

May 24, 2026

A hacker called me and said he had all my passwords. I got a pen and paper and said ‘Thank God for that, what are they?’

May 24, 2026

I find myself thinking “God, I need a cigarette” way too often for someone who doesn’t actually smoke.

May 24, 2026

1994: I can’t wait to see what the world is like in 30 years. 2024: God no.

May 24, 2026

God: “I used to work in mysterious ways but now I’m unemployed.”

May 24, 2026

God: “You’re all really bad at this.”

May 24, 2026

Aliens: We are here to take over. Me: Thank God.

May 24, 2026

God: “I’m all-knowing but I’d rather be all-forgetting.”

May 24, 2026

Sucking melted cheese off the burger wrapper as God intended.

May 24, 2026

You befriend a guy and a few days later he’s like “I wanna talk to you about something”. Please, God, let it be about the economy.

May 24, 2026

If I were god, I would’ve rested all 7 days.

May 24, 2026

God: “You’re all a bunch of bastards and I should never have created you.”

May 24, 2026

God: “I don’t regret the Flood, but I do regret the Ark.”

May 24, 2026

Thank God I have a cat. Who else is gonna shit in this box I have?

May 24, 2026

I forgot to turn my clocks back and, oh my God, you guys are not going to believe the stuff that happens in the next hour.

May 23, 2026

Thank God my pets can’t talk. They simply know too much.

May 23, 2026

If God had known what mankind would turn into, he would have sterilized Adam.

May 23, 2026

God, never seen San Francisco this bad. Spiderwebs completely covering entire business, skeletons just strewn about sidewalks in every neighborhood. Things have got to change!

May 23, 2026

RIP to everyone killed by the Gods for their hubris, but I’m different. And better. Maybe even better than the Gods.

May 23, 2026