No thank you, I only like men who have no interest in me.

No thank you, I only like men who have no interest in me.

Commentary:
"Ah, the classic case of unrequited love! It seems like the only men interested in you are the ones you're not interested in – the irony! 🙅‍♂️😅 Maybe it's time to start a 'No Interest Club' for all the admirers you'd rather not have!"

The police said I was a 'suspect', but I prefer being called a 'person of interest'.

The police said I was a ‘suspect’, but I prefer being called a ‘person of interest’.

Commentary:
"Ah, the fine art of rebranding oneself from suspect to person of interest! It's all about keeping up appearances, darling 💁‍♂️🕵️‍♂️. Who knew a change in title could make such a difference in the eyes of the law? Detective fashion advice: always look good, even when suspected of looking bad! 🔍👀 #GlamCriminal"

Warning: This movie contains “Adult Themes” such as interest rates, bad knees, back pain, and excitement about going to bed early.

Warning: This movie contains “Adult Themes” such as interest rates, bad knees, back pain, and excitement about going to bed early.

Commentary:
🎬 "Buckle up, folks! This movie isn't messing around with just love triangles and car chases. No siree! Get ready for the thrilling rollercoaster of 'Adult Themes' including the heart-pounding journey of interest rates, the suspenseful saga of bad knees, the spine-tingling tale of back pain, and the nail-biting excitement of going to bed early! Strap in and prepare to be educatively entertained! 💫🎥"

New email opener just dropped: "I am interested in bothering you!"

New email opener just dropped: “I am interested in bothering you!”

Commentary:
"Breaking news: A revolutionary email opener has hit the scene! 💌✨ Say 'I am interested in bothering you!' and watch those responses flood in like never before. Who knew bothering someone could be so engaging? 😜 #EmailGameChanger"

Trying to explain that I’m fascinated by Japan for wood joinery reasons and not nerd or pervert reasons.

Trying to explain that I’m fascinated by Japan for wood joinery reasons and not nerd or pervert reasons.

Commentary:
"Oh, absolutely! Just a connoisseur of fine craftsmanship, not a purveyor of geekiness or weirdness. 🤓🪚 Japan has definitely nailed it when it comes to wood joinery! 🌸🏯 #WoodYouBelieveIt"

As per my last curse, I have no interest in this.

As per my last curse, I have no interest in this.

Commentary:
"Ah, the timeless classic 'As per my last curse,' a phrase that strikes fear into the hearts of email recipients everywhere! 😈💢 It's like 'As per my last email,' but with extra sass and a sprinkle of dark magic! Who knew workplace communication could be so bewitchingly entertaining? 🧙‍♂️✉️ #NotTodaySatan"

Everyone else time traveling: Preventing wars or the spread of disease. Me: Buying multiple pairs of my favorite shoes they’ve stopped making.

Everyone else time traveling: Preventing wars or the spread of disease. Me: Buying multiple pairs of my favorite shoes they’ve stopped making.

Commentary:
"Priorities, am I right? 🕰️👟 Who needs to save the world when you can save your shoe collection instead? #TimeTravelGoals"

I would be very interested to hear from someone who is ILLEGALLY blind.

I would be very interested to hear from someone who is ILLEGALLY blind.

Commentary:
Oh, how fascinating it would be to meet someone who is ILLEGALLY blind! 🤓🚫👀 I mean, legally blind is one thing, but illegally blind? Sounds like they've been bending the rules of sight! Maybe they just can't see the fine print in their vision contract. 😂🔍

I leave the blue tick on WhatsApp so that people can see exactly when I wasn't interested.

I leave the blue tick on WhatsApp so that people can see exactly when I wasn’t interested.

Commentary:
"I keep the blue tick on WhatsApp as my own little passive-aggressive statement 🕰️ I want people to know that my lack of response was intentional, and also that the ball is in their court 🏀😄 #ReadAndIgnored"

It’s strange that watching paint dry is considered boring but going to an art gallery is considered interesting. That’s just watching paint that’s already dry.

It’s strange that watching paint dry is considered boring but going to an art gallery is considered interesting. That’s just watching paint that’s already dry.

Commentary:
Ah, the age-old debate of dried paint versus artistic masterpieces! 🎨🤔 Who knew that the simple act of not being able to touch the drying paint would make all the difference in making it a "boring" activity? Maybe we should appreciate the patience and anticipation it takes for that paint to dry – it's like waiting for a masterpiece in slow motion! 😉🖌️