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Jan 26, 2025
Share →: I wonder how many new moms try to pick out a unique name for their baby only to later learn it’s the name of an antidepressant.

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"Imagine the surprise when little Sertraline or Lexapro grows up and discovers their name was inspired by a tiny pill! 😂 Talk about a prescription for uniqueness! 💊👶 #PharmaBabyNames"

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I’ve done literally nothing all day, except feel guilty about doing nothing all day.

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There’s some gifs that I’ve started to act out in real life as responses to situations.

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Liberté. Egalité. Second Coffeé.

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Whatever doesn’t kill you is probably still trying.

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My goal in life is to not have to commit seppuku.

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90% of parenting is wondering when you can lie down again.

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Before you call me an idiot consider this: I know!

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If you’re just talking nonsense all the time and not thinking about what you’re doing, you’re either in love or at the office.

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I would go out of my mind, but I can’t find the exit.

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Meetings are great because who doesn’t like being held hostage?

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Funny new mom quotes

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Imagine how organized the first person to write down a recipe must have been.

Hate all political parties and you’ll never be disappointed.

If I had 50¢ for every math test I’ve failed, I’d have $7.20.

Perhaps moths don’t seek the light, but are simply fleeing the darkness.

Just broke a clothes hanger and now have seven years of bad outfits.

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Holding it together with duct tape and sarcasm.

Basically a lot of my problems boil down to me being really bad at waking up, and also really bad at going to sleep.

If someone asks you: ‘Why are you single, don’t you like people?’, answer: ‘Why aren’t you a millionaire, don’t you like money?’

“You’re such a stalker!” God forbid a woman wants to know more about her future husband.

These days, you gotta have a job for the bills and another job for yourself.

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Why do we call it tuna fish? Is there any other tuna out there that’s not a fish?

There’s a special place in hell for people like you (next to me).

Got out of jury duty yesterday by confessing to the crime.

“You’re an athlete,” I whisper to myself, as I begin my third attempt to get out of the couch.

How do I become a billionaire by 9 a.m. Monday? Please, it’s urgent.

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I tell people I rearrange my furniture to change things up, but we all know it’s to annoy my husband.

Is it still murder if they said, “Some other time,” but I thought they said smother time?

I don’t get involved in anyone’s business, let alone their drama. You should try it.

Even worse than a spider is a spider that just disappeared.

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