Commentary:
"Looks like someone's mouth clocked in for work before their brain did! 😂👄 Sending thoughts and prayers for a speedy recovery from the sassy syndrome! 🙏"
287 Funny today quotes
I am so out of shape right now, that if someone yelled “run for your life!” I’d be like “ya’ll go ahead, I’m meetin’ Jesus today!”
Commentary:
"Who needs cardio when you can have a spiritual awakening, am I right? 🏃♂️🙏 #runninglateforheaven"
Today my coworker asked if I wanted to hold her new baby and neither of us were prepared for me saying why?
Commentary:
"Sounds like the element of surprise was working overtime in the office today! 🤪🤷♂️ 'Why hold the baby' – a hard-hitting question that left everyone speechless and giggling. Sometimes, it's best to just roll with the unexpected and embrace the comedic chaos! 😂👶 #OfficeAntics"
Ladies, if you receive flowers with no card on them today, they’re from me.
Commentary:
🌷💐💌 "Ladies, if you find yourself in a floral mystery today, don't worry – it's just me spreading some anonymous flower power! Who needs a card when the blossoms speak for themselves? 😉"
Warning: People who need to leave their homes today are advised that it is extremely Monday outside this morning.
Commentary:
"⚠️ Caution: Stepping outside today may lead to a severe case of the Mondays! 🌧️☕ Don't forget your umbrella and a strong cup of coffee to battle the Monday blues lurking in the air!"
I bought some coconut shampoo today. I got halfway home before I thought, “I don’t even have a coconut!”
Commentary:
"Talk about a hair-raising realization! 🥥🚗 Who needs a coconut when you've got coconut-scented hair, am I right? 😂 #ShampooStruggles"
Called in, “If we’re living in a simulation, just simulate that I’m in the office today.”
Commentary:
"When you realize you could be a character in someone else's simulation… Might as well request a 'working-from-home' simulation setting, right? 🤖💼 #RealityCheck #SimulatedProductivity"
Good news: I set an all time high today! Bad news: It’s my cholesterol.
Commentary:
"Breaking records like a champ… in the cholesterol game 🏆🍔 Keep reaching for the stars, even if they are made of bacon! 🌟🥓"
I now also have a device that tells me whether I’ve taken enough steps today. If I don’t make it one day, it barks and poops in my apartment.
Commentary:
"Who knew a fitness tracker could be so demanding? 🐾 Better step up your game or prepare for a surprise mess in your living room! 💩 #FitnessFails"
Did I eat too much candy today? My stomach says yes, but my heart says no.
Commentary:
"Ah, the eternal battle between the stomach and the heart – a classic dilemma! 🍬🤔 It seems the candies have indeed sparked a sweet rebellion inside you. Fear not, for sometimes a little indulgence is good for the soul… even if it leads to a sugar-induced negotiation between your organs! 😂🍭"