I drink so much coffee, people feel jittery when they see a picture of me.

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I want a girlfriend so she can make me do shit like pottery, and I act like I don’t want to go.

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I’m bad at being sad. Three minutes in, and I’m already making fun of my situation.

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Having children is a pyramid scheme.

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Sorry, I can’t go out this weekend. I went out last weekend, and I’m still recovering from that.

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The masculine urge to hitch your pants up after making a minor decision.

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I wish my doctor would put down a little treat to distract me like my vet does for my dog.

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Tuah Kill a Hawkingbird

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Had to sit with a straight face while my landlord told me I was paying his rent and mortgage for him.

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Quitting my job to rock around the Christmas tree.

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Taylor Swift should write a song about people who don’t return their shopping carts to the corrals.