I love how one day my body just decided “You know what you really need is some ear hair.”

Someone from 🇲🇪 has downloaded:

My new pajamas have no pockets. I don’t want to hear your problems.

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‘Another bombshell has entered the villa!’ I say to myself as I walk in the front door of my own home.

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Some things are better left unsaid, which I usually realize after I say them.

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“You don’t load the dishwasher right,” I said to my wife just before it permanently became my job.

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Increasing the amount of high fives I give my boss each day until he quits his job.

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Working out consistently yields results, but mannnnnnn…… the laundry.

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When is someone actually going to change the surprise in the avocado? This hard core is kind of a stupid toy.

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Terrible economy to ask a girl what’s wrong.

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No one told me middle age would be so fuzzy, and if you are wondering whether I mean my eyesight or my facial hair, yes.

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A treadmill minute is four times as long as a sleep minute.