I would like you to meet my significant other. Her name is Cheese.

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Going to a concert with a tomato in each hand just to make the band nervous.

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Haircuts should be covered by healthcare.

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I’m so vulnerable to nostalgia. The sun will go down and I’ll be like: “Wow… remember when the sun was up… I miss who I was then”

Someone from 🇬🇼 has downloaded:

The second cup of coffee does for me what a can of spinach does for Popeye.

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I love it when strangers smile at me and I smile back, and we have that nice stranger smiling moment.

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People who say “teamwork makes the dream work” are the reason that some people want to punch other people in the face.

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Best tips for saving money: lay down and don’t move.

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With great power comes the absolute certainty that you’ll turn into a right douche.

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One of my favorite parts of grocery shopping is when somebody else does it for me.

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The toughest part of a diet isn’t watching what you eat. It’s watching what other people eat.