If I was a priest, I’d make my side of the confession booth really big so I could run around.

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Like many men my age, my biggest regret is hiring the inexpensive hitman.

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I used to look for monsters under the bed. Today I know they are behind some people’s fake smiles.

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I want someone who will look at me the same way I look at chocolate cake.

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I’m forced to conclude that not liking my posts is a you problem.

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You know you’re getting old when you have to watch shows that are in English with subtitles.

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People that I dislike shouldn’t be allowed to consume the media that I like.

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Idiocracy wasn’t supposed to be a documentary.

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Everything is 10 times funnier when you are supposed to be quiet.

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I love wearing sunglasses. Am I looking at your face? Am I looking at your ass? No one knows.

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A lot of childhood characters weren’t so much beloved as there wasn’t anything else on the TV.